Friday, July 30, 2010

Hole in My Head

Here are some Fogelisms I've been saving up (code words for: I didn't take the time to blog them).

Regarding a new patient, doc exclaims animatedly: We've got his name! We've got his number! We've got it all!


After one of my "mystery" episodes that frightened me to the point of getting Fredi to call the paramedics, I tell the doctor, "I think I was probably hyperventilating."

The doctor's measured response? "Lori, I'm sure you were."


A middle-aged male patient is walking out the front door of the office. Doc tells him, "Your blood is fine. Come back when you want to see me."

The patient replies: I'll see you in six months."

Doc (shrugging): Whatever. I'm not doing you any good. You won't even left me give you vaccinations. (Shouts) Nurse, give him some vaccinations! (under his breath) I don't know why he is here. There is nothing wrong with him.

The doctor is preparing to travel to Italy with his wife. He is very cheerful and traipsing throughout the office in a jolly manner. Suddenly he says, quite loudly, "Bon Giorno!"

Several people look up at him, puzzled.

Doc says, without a beat, "I'm practicing."


Doc: I'll always remember coming out of an opera called the Nose.

Unfortunately, that's the whole remembered anecdote, because even though he related a lengthy story about the opera, the image of an opera called the Nose was so powerful it stuck in my head and I have no idea what he said the rest of the time.

Doc (in the context of I don't know what): You have many holes in your head.

Most recently, this last week, the doc calls me at home to tell me a member of the medical press, a writer for, as he calls it, a "throw-away journal," wants to talk to me about my activism on Avastin.

Doc tells me he mentioned me, that he told her I am wonderful, and he would like to give me her contact information to talk with her.

"Sounds great!" I said, flattered and grateful for the opportunity to talk to any member of the press, even for a "throw-away journal," about what I believe are political issues surrounding Avastin.

"Well," sighs the doc, "It's better than watching a puppy on TV."


Thursday, July 15, 2010

One Quick One

Okay, two quick ones. Sorry I haven't updated this in so long. I'm enjoying my summer on the days I can. :) I do have a storehouse of these somewhere for a later date.

The doc asks me if I want to hear a dirty joke. I can't really resist, so I say yes.

He says a 93-year-old patient told him this. She apparently loved to tell dirty jokes to anyone who would listen, but particularly Dr. F.

The joke goes like this:

A nun and a priest are riding through the desert on a camel. They run out of water and supplies, get hopelessly lost and it doesn't look good for them. The three of them collapse in the sun and sand, and the camel seems near death.

The priest says to the nun, "Sister, I have been celibate my whole life. I entered my priestly training at a young age, and I have never been with a woman. I'm very curious. Do you think you could ... ?

Realizing they are going to die, the nun does the sign of the cross, asks Jesus to forgive her, and lifts up her top, exposing her breasts.

The priests eyes practically pop out of his head as he looks at the nun's breasts. He hardly knows what to say. Those are ... beautiful! he exclaims.

"You know, Father," says the nun, "I also entered a monastery at a very young age, and I have never been with a man nor seen his genitals. Do you think you could ... ?"

The priest begins with a bit of a lecture about his manly parts, telling the nun that what she is about to see is the giver of life, and all God-given life emanates from this, and it should be respected as the holiest of holy ....

He pulls down his pants. The nun stares, wide-mouthed, for just a second before she says, "All right, then, stick that thing in the camel and let's get out of here!"

So a nun, a priest and a camel walk into a bar ...

No, that's not a Fogelism.

Here's my Fogelism of the "week."

Doc (Reviewing my blood test results):  Your phosphorous is high.

(Dramatic pause)

Doc: I have no idea what the hell that means.