History

I visit my doctor weekly for chemotherapy treatment for metastatic breast cancer. He has been my oncologist for almost three years, and he routinely comes up with off-the-cuff comments that amuse me and my husband, Fredi, and sometimes touch us in unexpected ways. Today I started thinking that maybe others would enjoy reading them, too.

Here are some historical quotes to get this party started. All names except mine and Fredi's are changed.
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You're the first patient in the world to ever get this drug regimen.

5/1/07

Phone call from Doctor: How are you doing today?

Me: I'm constipated, hyper and irritable.

Doc: Well, you SOUND great! [Pause] And I'm privileged to take care of you.

5/16/07

I was going to the hospital for sinus surgery.

Doc said, referring to my surgical team: Tell them if they kill you, I'll shoot them.

10/7/08

In a booming voice: I need a naked person in the exam room! 3/25/09

I can't find your liver. [Long Pause] Which is good news for you!

3/31/09

I was so worried about you last night that I couldn't sleep.

4/21/09

Me: What are the side effects of this medication?

Doc: Only one you need to worry about, but it's very rare.

Me: What is it?

Doc: Catastrophe.

5/2009

Me: Does this have one have any serious side effects?

Doc: Not really. It's rare, but sometimes people go deaf.

5/2009

About me: Is she sleeping? Like really sleeping? I don't want to damage her psyche.

8/2009

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After a reaction I had to chemotherapy that could have been fatal:

Doc: If we give this drug to you again, we'll have an endotrach tube right at hand in case we need it.

Me: When was the last time you intubated anyone?

Doc: Oh, probably about 30 years ago.

Me: If you called 911 do you think they would get here in time?

Doc: Maybe.

9/1/09

Via telephone on a week I wasn't scheduled for chemotherapy: So, do you want to come in and get some chemo tomorrow?

12/3/09

Doc: So how are you?

Me: I'm feeling okay, but I've been very, very tired lately [having been on weekly chemo for 10 months or so].

Doc: So am I, but I have a lot better reason than you to be tired.

1/19/10

Me: I have a lot of really painful muscle aches.

Doc: You're supposed to.

1/19/10

Heard around the office and/or undated:

Doctor to the Nurse Kristen: Mrs. Baffenbacher wants a spinal tap.

Mr. Reardon wants his blood drawn.

Kristen, Lori wants to be accessed.

To me: Kristen tells me you like me. I have no idea why.