Sunday, February 28, 2010

He's Like the Britney Spears of Switzerland

Special Edition of Fogelisms
Funny things said by me and Fredi and Carli.

My oncologist doesn't have the lock on funny. Fredi wants to make a blog about the funny things I say. That is not going to happen, but his idea was inspired by the following conversation.

I get frequent headaches from my sinuses and as a side effect of one of my IV treatments. Fredi and I were discussing this, and he was talking about the size and shape of my head.

I said I have a very large head (but I really don't), because of what's inside: my "monumental brain."

Don't know where I came up with that one. Apparently my monumental brain thinks a lot of itself. 
We've had a ton of snow, and I think Fredi and I are suffering from a form of snow blindness or cabin fever or a combination of both.

On Friday while we were getting ready for Fredi's gig, I spotted our cat Mikey out of the corner of my eye. He was standing with his body perpendicular to me longways, and I suddenly said to Fredi, almost unable to speak because I was doubled over with laughter, "For a second, I thought that was a miniature horse."

A little while later, I was getting my auburn wig, whom I've named Sharona, ready for our night out. She was very mussed up, and I found a yellow paperclip in her hair. 

I told Fredi I found a paperclip in Sharona's hair and that I was wondering how that possibly could have gotten there. He walked over to where I was holding the wig on a styrofoam head, shook his index finger at the wig and said sternly, "Sharona, where have you been?"
At Fredi's gig with the Blacktails, my friend Jill was telling her daughter, Carli, that Fredi is practically famous in Switzerland. 

She was exaggerating quite a bit, (sorry, Jill) but that notion might come from the time a woman sort of yelled out across the lawn of an outdoor cafe, "Das ist der Fredi Meli!" meaning, "That is THE Fredi Meli!"

Also Fredi was on the news in Switzerland last fall with one of his musical projects, STMJC. It's worth a look even if you don't know a word of Swiss German. 

Anyway, when Jill told Carli Fredi was famous, Carli said, "You mean he's like the Britney Spears of Switzerland?"

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Expect the Unexpected

I was supposed to have a week off chemo, but I guess I just couldn't stay away from my friends at the oncologist's office.

I knew if I called the onc and told him I am sick with a cold and have a cough and slight fever, he would tell me to come in and see him.

Which he did.

Excerpt from our phone conversation:

Doc: I think you should get a chest x-ray and come in to see me.

Me: It's just that I'm so tired, and it's really exhausting to run around to the hospital to get a chest x-ray and then come all the way to your office and everything else. Maybe what I need is some more rest.

Doc: I don't believe that anybody ever needs rest.
I still protested.

Doc: It only takes two seconds to get a chest x-ray.

Me: Yes, but I might have to wait a long time before I get in to have the x-ray.

Doc: Just smile at them. [Pause]
You're good at that.
When I get to his office after getting my chest x-ray done at the hospital, the doctor sees me coming in the door with my winter hat on (as pictured below) and exclaims: 
Ach! You need to do something about that hat!
As we're in the waiting room at the end of the appointment, he starts telling us about an opera he went to see last night. 

He explains: In order to make the opera work, it had to be done carefully silly by every single person involved. 

And in regards to another opera: The soprano was projected out into the audience on a 30-foot movable ramp. She was basically spitting on the conductor. Which was great for everyone in the audience.
The doctor's new granddaughter was born last week. The grandson is now about two years old, and the doc says, "He's the smartest two-year old there ever was."

Doc: My daughter-in-law nearly had a fit when I told her what her son's name means in Hebrew. 

Me: What's his name?
Doc: Jonah.

Me: What does it mean?

Doc: Pigeon.

Me: That's not too bad.

Doc: Would you want to name your kid "Pigeon?"

Me: Guess not.

Doc: She said to me, "I thought it meant "Dove." I told her, "What's the difference? They're both birds that crap all over everything."
I am talking to the nurses in the hallway outside the exam room while waiting for the doctor. He comes around the corner with my chart in his hands and says loudly, "Lori, let's DO it!"

A patient sitting in a chair waiting to have his blood drawn pipes up, "I don't want to know about that."


Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Sleigh Bells Ring, Are You Listening?

Heard around the office:

All right. [Pause] I want your blood, Mrs. Benson.

Kristen, how do you want to do Mr. Lyon? Do you want to stick him in his port or stick him in his arm?
We brought some of my awesome pumpkin oatmeal vegan cookies for the staff and patients. We told the Doc that we brought the cookies and that I had entered a cookie recipe contest.

He asked what organization was sponsoring the contest, and I told him the Food Allergy and Anaphylaxis Network [in partnership with Divvies Bakery]. I explained that the recipe had to be free of eggs, milk products such as butter, and nuts. 

When he left the room, we heard him in the hallway saying: Where are these oatmeal cookies I'm hearing about? Supposedly they have no flour, no salt, no fat, no nothing.
During my exam:

Doc: Next Wednesday I am going to be in Philadelphia for the birth of my new grandchild.

They're going to rip the baby out of her.

If it's a grandson, he's going to have his penis cut off. I'll have to tell him to keep his zipper up.

(Oh, yes, he really said that about the bris)

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

It only seems much longer

After walking by the exam room and seeing me "arranging" Fredi's bed head,
Doc says to the nurse: Lori was grooming Fredi. I thought that was cute.

During the physical exam, Doc mentions he has known me for a while now, and he says it's been about four years. I know we met in April 2007, and I say to him, "Actually, I'm pretty sure, it's been almost three years."

Doc: It seems much longer.

Me: Is that good or bad?

Doc: I don't know.

After the exam, I put back on just my bra and zippered hoodie. I'm not going to get fully dressed until after the nurse accesses my Port-A-Cath chemo port. I walk out into the hallway for a minute to ask a question, forgetting the hoodie isn't zipped up, so my bra is showing a bit.

Doc is in the back room, sees me standing there in the hallway and tells me:
Be careful, Lori. Don't go wandering around here half naked. There's a bunch of old men.

Apparent pharmaceutical rep: Hi, Doctor, a friend of yours, Dr. Arnold, sent me.

Doc: Dr. Arnold sent you? You must have some freebies for me then!

Rep: No, no freebies.

Doc: No freebies?


Doc: So who are you?

Rep: I'm David Kellum.

Doc: No, I mean who are you, what are you doing here?

Rep: Well, as I mentioned, Dr. Arnold--

Doc: [getting impatient and loud] No, no, I want to know what you do.

Rep: I'm from the West Coast Diagnostics Company, and--

Doc: No, no, no. You're not understanding me. Hold on a minute. [He leaves the room].

While You Were Sleeping

Doc walks by the couch where I am sleeping during chemo. He may or may not remember from the physical exam that I have long johns on under my jeans. I'm wearing a Yankees short-sleeved t-shirt under a knit black sweater with a pink hoodie on top.

I'm also wearing calf-length fuzzy warm green and purple striped socks on my feet, brown leather gloves on my hands, a red and white head scarf with the hood of the jacket pulled over the scarf. I have a pillow under my head, a winter coat underneath me, and two fleece blankets on top of me.

Doc announces to anyone who might be listening: I think we better turn up the heat. Lori looks cold.

All names except mine and Fredi's are changed for privacy reasons.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Groundhog Day

Lori, you are the only person in the world with eyeglasses dirtier than mine.

Again, these boots are not very hottie.

Fredi, I think you have to get her a new hat.